I would like to have a month again. A month that I could call holy. To make the right choices for an amount of time that could register on my life's scale. I feel farther from God each time I give in to apathy. How overused and misunderstood can a saying become? "Far from God". How paradoxical can a man become? I am a little boy playing hide and seek and hiding in the middle of the yard with my eyes covered. "You can't see me Na Na Na Na Boo Boo". I am beginning to believe my own lies. Not in my mind. Belief begins in the heart, and my heart is believes it is alone in the middle of the yard. I'm scared. I hate this feeling. I'm tired of hiding I want to go seek.