Friday, July 08, 2005
As Hurricane Dennis marches toward the gulf coast like a crazed chimpanzee in uniform, another storm is a brewing’ off the coast of Washington D.C. and this monkey isn’t wearing any fancy pants. The partisan shit-storm that is about to reek havoc on the beaches of the Potomac is the battle over who will replace the late Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Conner. After her tragic and metaphoric death by retirement last week, a vacancy has been opened on the highest bench in the land for the first time in over a decade. Her position as a moderate on an evenly divided court leaves President Bush with some big shoes to fill.
"She can’t just be replaced by anyone" says average American citizen John Travolta. "Sandra D’s staunch record, including not going to bed until she was legally wed, and keeping your filthy paws off her silky draws, were not only ground breaking constitutional law but they also made classic song lyrics". Rizzo was unavailable for comment.
And for once Mr. Travolta is absolutely right. The task of replacing the first woman ever appointed to the high court is a task so big that it makes Texas look like Connecticut. However Mr. Bush need not fear, whenever weak minded politicians need assistance they need look no further than the lobbyists to tell them exactly what to do. Taking into account the possibility of undo influence by several different special interest groups it appears that two different officials are emerging as front runners. The most widely spoken of is Alberto Gonzalez, the presidents’ token Latin friend and the attorney general of the United States. He is backed by the NRA and the low-rider association of America. Gonzalez is a moderate republican and could receive some limited democratic support. Grizzly Adams of the 9th District Court of Appeals on the other hand, has the support of the far right and righter. He is famous for his abortion sucks bumper sticker and matching T-Shirt, and has been known to hate gays. Grizzly is backed by the powerful Christian Coalition along with the Lumber Jack Alliance. He has a beard.
These two have dominated the early speculations of the talking heads, but a relative unknown out of Nazareth New Jersey named Jesus Christ has caught the eye of the press and the public. Although he is not quite as Latin as Gonzalez Jews are still considered minorities in some circles, and that can never hurt.
Bush said of the unknown Jesus from Jersey "I would like to know where he stands on the issues." And by "the issues" he is of course referring to the triumvirate of abortion, gay marriage, and Yankees/Red Sox. It is true that the Nazareth native has been relatively silent on these key points, choosing to speak in parables and provocative questions. But his presence and popular appeal is hard to overlook.
"He’s a flip flopper" says conservative commentator Pat Robertson "’Love Your Neighbor as Yourself’ ‘Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s’ . . . What if your neighbor is a gay? What if Caesar wants to abort my fetus? It’s just too dangerous; I think Grizzly Adams is the man for the job".
Pat is not alone; many people are raising questions as to the ability of Jesus to wear the robes of American justice. "I heard he healed a man who didn’t have any insurance" says Dr. Hurtmann a spokesman on behalf of the HMO association.
"His advocating of tunic ‘give-a-way’s’ and going the extra mile will have us out on the streets, eating cold fish heads and toast" says Margaret Miller of Second Mile Tunics in downtown D.C.
"I think Bush ought to go with the token".
Jesus has been hard to pin down for questioning, and rarely hosts his own press conferences. He is said to spend a lot of time alone, talking to himself, and has been seen down at the Warf mixing with some riff raff. US Weekly actually snapped a picture of him standing up in a boat fishing in his skivvies. President Bush puts it best when he says "I’m just not sure if this Jesus fella is Supreme Material". Bush then went on a tirade about the less than "supreme" contents of the Taco Bell Burrito Supreme.
It remains to be seen whether this underdog from the garden state stands a fighting chance this hurricane season. Partisan politics have a way of crucifying even the most worthy candidates. But if there is one man who can walk into the face of a political storm and command it, it is this Jew from Nazareth, New Jersey.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Somewhere south of the suburban Serengeti there lives a brown spotted cheetah named Gerald. Gerald has Asthma. I only bring up the asthma because that is how Gerald introduces himself at dinner parties. “Hello, I’m Gerald the Asthmatic Cheetah”. He always says that having asthma is what separates him from the indistinguishable masses. I think it’s the asthma along with saying things like “indistinguishable masses”. Gerald is a regular Cheetah, a sort of hard-working, blue collar, every-Cheetah. He wears a red T-shirt with a pocket on the left front breast. Gerald, being the kind of cheetah that is embarrassed by referring to the pocket with the adjective breast, usually describes it by the less provocative word front. Inside his signature pocket Gerald keeps his secret weapon, his closest ally and his best friend, Raymond the inhaler. As far as breathing aids go Raymond is top notch; duel layer titanium alloy casing, patented double helix canister, and revolutionary lip moisturizing mouthpiece. Raymond prides himself on being the best experience you can have inhaling legally. And as for sidekicks there is none better. Raymond is always there for Gerald, whether the cheetah needs help at the factory or he needs a breath of fresh air to help him run down his breakfast. The two are inseparable. They finish each others sentences like an old married couple with telepathy. But it wasn’t always like this. There was a time when Gerald hated Raymond. Back before Gerald was so proud of his Asthma, and before Raymond was featured on the reality TV show “Pimp my Puffer”. . .
to be continued