Monday, July 21, 2003

So here we are in week 2 of my twenty first year of living and the tide turns upwards again. This is one of those indicators of how I am doing when you see me on this every day. If I don't blog then I usually am either really freaking busy and tired or sinnin it up good. Often it is all of the above. I can't believe that the summer is half over. Man I am so scared to leave again. I hate being away from Melissa more than anything in the world. I just need to be with her because I love her so much. I just want school to end now and them to hand me a degree. Man I miss performing. I wish I could find a way to entertain and be an adult. Life is so full of a lot of things I could totally do with out. You've heard it all before. I think this week will be little different.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Temporary Tattoos

I stick them one with all intentions of them rubbing off quickly. I create a innovative design and plaster the picture on my pectorals or wherever the newest place to put my pride and joy is. And then I wait. No waiting is too positive, I forget. I forget why I got the tattoo in the first place. I don't know what it stands for or if I even liked the idea at one time. I must have. I mean getting a tattoo is a commitment. Unless of course you keep giving yourself fake tattoos.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Oh God of power and of might. I might have another day in store. Daily I question my ability to follow. Following until I can't continue. Continuing until the sun sets on my life. Living for the one reason, the one person, the God of the Universe. The Universal truth of you bosom will never let me go. I will rest here until the storm passes.

Monday, July 14, 2003

"God is not a part of your story; you are a part of God's story. The world does not revolve around you; the world revolves around God and we are a part of that."

Tim Keel

How deeply convicting this was to me I do not know. I feel as if the pride that daily corrodes my relationship to my savior was shown at its height when I heard this statement of Truth. Did I really think of God as a part of my life? Am I that freaking messed up? Father you alone know my heart. Forgive me once again for wanting anything but to be a part of your story, the greatest story ever told.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Half steps are better than no steps. The well-laid plan often looks different when it falls out of your pocket. The question is staying power. One day is done. 347 to go. Do I have what it takes. No. Can I fully rely on the one who does? Maybe. Each time I stare at the full moon I can't quite close my memory to the times when it used to mean something. It only stands to reason that tomorrow can be the same. Burn the city. Erase the ties to the shallow milieu because the time is coming and has now come.
Happy Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday to Me. Happy Birthday dear billy. Happy birthday to me.

Happy Birthday to Melissa. Happy Birthday to Melissa. Happy Birthday dear Melissa. Happy Birthday to you.

There are two sides to sharing your date of birth with the one you love. The selfish one says "Hey, this is my day and I don't want any attention on anyone else but me." But the cute one says "Ahh I love that we were born on the same day because it is like destiny has brought to July 13 babies together". Oh yeah and side number three, the jerky practical side says "At least you'll never forget her birthday, heh heh heh[<----jerky laugh]".
Unhealthy and broken I come to face the facts I've disregarded. Father and Lord of all that there is and ever will be I submit to your will for my life. I need you so much that it is freaking ridiculous. I am going to married in less than a year and I need to live my life like I care. I am an adult whether I hate it or not. I am 21 today. Twenty freaking one. What the hell am I doing with my life. It's time to do something. Or to say it more gracefully, as a sage of sorts could be quoted as screaming over coffee "Get your butt in gear". Jesus sanctify my dilly-dallies. Burn the funk with a hot iron and spit on my complacency. Break molds and break formulas. Allow me to be a vessel once again. Man this disciple thing is a beach and a half. F@*K make money and die. F$#K guilt that leads to apathy. F@#K false pleasure. War the simple life. War sacrifice. War daily self-death. Father empower me to get my butt in f*@#$&g gear.

Friday, July 11, 2003

Today I decided to transform into a butterfly. I bought a cocoon from a raccoon that had a few lying around and I stuffed my insides inside. I like it so far. It is nice and spacious and pretty like a clean dirt bike.
Take a log for instance. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone but a friend of the family. Your that special. You hog you. Take a pant-leg for instance. I would rather be a has-been than a has-bean. Unless I was a magic has-bean. I plant well for a non-farmer. I take images of indoor soccer fields to Botswana and amaze the children. All of their parents have AIDS. Take a garage sale for instance. I hate to break it to the left coast. Having a primitive notion of locomotion is a nuclear discovery to a native. Pile the coal in a corner and forget how to share with the weaker sex. Take a Crab tree for instance. Telepathic foreigners here my thoughts but don't understand my language. Cell phone towers topped with a cherry red blinking light to prevent my jet plane from becoming too friendly. Take a thought for instance. Mendacity comes to those who wait for anything but the truth. Complete a circle and point out all of its flaws. Hot wire a tow truck and drag your Volkswagen into the outpost for a checkup. Take a frat house for instance. Well to do doers take their time doing life wrong. Wry humor is haphazard when used like musket fire. Question what it means to be an enemy combatant and leave yourself with the warm and fuzziness. Take cotton for instance.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

My Car Just Broke

Oops it did it again. It messed with my heart. I got lost in the game. Oh baby baby. I hate cars with a passion, but my passion is less fierce when they work good. Today there was lots of lightning Oooo Scary. My cousins are staying with me and they are adorable and rich a quite interesting combination. I am in KC but my Best Friends far away. Curse Chi-town and Lansing respectively. The roof feel in on our Bible study and the Christians just let the insurance pay for it. LHB is wetter than a firecracker in the ocean. We talked about new beginnings and I think I just might get around to that some time soon. Soon and very soon. And did I mention My car broke, yup cuz it did. :( Curses. Automotives be damned.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

31 days

I would like to have a month again. A month that I could call holy. To make the right choices for an amount of time that could register on my life's scale. I feel farther from God each time I give in to apathy. How overused and misunderstood can a saying become? "Far from God". How paradoxical can a man become? I am a little boy playing hide and seek and hiding in the middle of the yard with my eyes covered. "You can't see me Na Na Na Na Boo Boo". I am beginning to believe my own lies. Not in my mind. Belief begins in the heart, and my heart is believes it is alone in the middle of the yard. I'm scared. I hate this feeling. I'm tired of hiding I want to go seek.