Calling all actors with bad British accents.

I am putting together a sketch show and I need some warm bodies who can make funny with me. If you are interested let me know soon. Hit me up here or email me at tallandlanky@juno.com

The show is July 28th from about 5-8 pm. We will do about 45 minutes of original sketches twice. We will rehearse Thursdays in July.

Right-e-0 Than.

This is poem a wrote for my wife. We have been married 2 years now and I love her so much it isn't even funny. Happy Anniversary Beautiful


Sonnet number 18

Sixteen and I sit with my future

Next to history I don't know

And art she is more beautiful than.

The search for secret brought us here.

Some hidden place to call ours

And let our hearts beat fast in.

Through perfectly placed trees

The stars know we are destined for more

As our hands take their maiden voyage

I whisper famous words across the blanket

Without understanding their meaning

So she will know I Shakespeare her

We seal our possibility with ceremony

Crystal glasses full of sparkling un-wine

Foreshadowing a June night to come when we

Will be made one flesh forever.

The punishment of one insensitive rich man

At 0 one hundred hours central standard time
In a house too big for its own good
And too big for a man and his butler,
A man finds himself lost,
Somewhere between the toilet and the refrigerator.

To find one’s self lost
Is neither to find nor to lose,
But simply to realize one’s position.
That position the man deduced was
Somewhere between the toilet and the refrigerator.

He had set out upon his mission at 11 hundred hours
On the night prior to the day current
To make himself a cheese sandwich.
American cheese, because he is a patriot,
As his father was a patriot and his father before him.

He digressed however to the toilet, for obvious reasons,
And after a leisurely stint
On the American Standard porcelain maiden
He flushed, washed, and saluted, because he is a patriot,
As his father was a patriot and his father before him.

Upon exiting his lavatory it was so dark that he lost his way,
And happened upon a new hallway
That led him to where he now stands a place he had never seen.
He assumed quite egotistically that he owned it
For he was a rich man and owned many things he knew not of.

The place seemed to be reminiscent of someplace else
Someplace both familiar and foreign to him
Familiar and foreign, Like his Bulgarian Butler.
The Butler is actually Russian but the man knew not the difference.
For He was a rich man and owned many things he knew not of.

“Curses to the darkness for turning me around” said the rich man
“Sending me through hallways
Disregarding my need for a sandwich.
Stopping me here in this familiar no place.
Curses”.

“Curses to God who made the darkness” said the rich man
“Who made toilet and the refrigerator,
The hallways and American Cheese,
The God who made My Bulgarian Butler.
Curses.

A sound
A step
A bop on the head

“AGGGH!” said the rich man

“I’ll show you who’s ‘Bulgarian’,
You rich American Trash!”

The Carnivore and the Vegan

It’s Midnight and I’m naked
In my basement eating bacon
When in walks a Tyrannosaurus Rex
I’m so frightened of the Lizard
That there is a bacon blizzard
On my entertainment complex

I ask him not to eat me
He comes at me rather speedy
And suddenly my couch is not so dry
I’m staring at the Dino
White as an Albino
When I notice a tear in his eye

As it turns out in fact
It wasn’t an attack
He had just bent down to pick up the bacon
He lifted it so gently
And stared at it intently
That for a second I forgot that I was naked

He said "Listen Mr. Nudist
I am a Vegan Buddhist
And I don’t think you should eat this living soul”
Then he fixed his glare on me
So disappointedly
That he made me feel like I was 3 years old

I told him I liked meat
And should be able to eat
Anything I pleased in my own basement
He said “Meat is Murder!”
With a passionate fervor
And screamed “Eat tofu as a replacement”

His Teeny T-Rex Hands
Reached in his sweat pants
And pulled out some home made brochures
He threw them on the TV
And told me to read
About his Buddhist and Vegan mentors

So I’m kind of offended
That he’d try to up end
My carnivorous lifestyle choices
But what could I do
I’m only 5’2
And he’s a freaking Tyrannosaurs

It finally hit me
He’s a dinosaur hippie
And there was no way I’m gonna get eaten
So I rolled up my sleeves
And told him to leave
Or else he could expect to get beaten.

So there’s a moral I guess
To my tale of distress
While eating bacon naked at Midnight
When they try to convert you
Who cares about virtue?
Meat will always beat plants in a fight.

George Bush, Wal-Mart and the Vatican: A Political Poem

People should stand for things
I mean really care about things
Important things
Like AIDS
I stand for that
Other People standing for things
Things like
Saving the lives of innocent children
And their things
I want all our leaders
Political, Cooperate and Spiritual
To be willing to do what it takes
To make things happen
And help things out.
And change things.

Bush could help things
He’s the president
If he stood for things
Things would work out.
So let’s all write him a letter
And tell him things like
Stand up for things.

Wal-Mart has everything
Think of all the things
They could change
If they stood for things
And gave some things
To people who don’t have anything
So let’s boycott them
And not buy our things there
Until they start
Standing for things

And the Vatican
They’ve got God
They could pray about things
And ask God to heal things
And spread the gospel
Of changing things
All over the world
So let’s tell our priest
When we’re in that confessional thing
To tell people to repent for their things
Because if we all fix our own things
We could change things
All over the world

So in conclusion
Stand up for things.

My Community Church

Community
Christian
New Life
Of Love
Faith
Family
And Hope
Worship
Community
Center
Untied
By the River
Of The Heart
Of Grace
And
A Community
Of Peace
Faithfulness
Hopefulness
Joyfulness
And Love-fullness
After the way of
St. Mary
And St. John
And St. Mark
And St. Paul
And a different St. John
And St. Mary the mother of
And the blessed virgin of
Peace
And Family
And community
Looking toward
The Cross
And Calvary
And Immanuel
And Emmanuel
And Mt. Zion
Missionary
Assembly of
Holiness
Baptist
Spirit Filled
Presbyterian
Lutheran
Methodist
Catholic
Episcopal-esqe
But Still
Non-Denominational
And Community
Oriented
Church
Of the
Resurrection
And the
Word
And the
Bible
And the
Redeemed
And the
Covenant . . .
And Community
Walking with
The Holy Spirit
Community
of Christ
Community
In Jesus
Community
Did I say Community?
And Family
We have Family's

My Guidance Counselor is a Pirate
He has Scurvy.
I'm not sure what Scurvy is
But he is always telling us that he has it.
I think it makes you smell like fish
His office is on a boat
Next to the cafeteria
This is a pretty progressive school.

He carries two swords and a gun.
Not like a little cop gun
But a big flintlock pistol
That he tucks in his pirate pants
Next to his short sword.
I’m pretty sure the weapons are illegal
But we don’t have metal detectors here.
We’re too progressive.

If you want to switch classes
He makes you walk the plank
I usually just stick to my schedule.
He is always trying to convince me
To go to this college in the Netherlands
That let’s you major in being a Pirate
I don’t understand how that’s a major.
But it’s probably some progressive thing.

He sponsor’s a fencing team
Except he calls it Swashbuckling
They all wear bandanas and sashes
And get to use real swords
I was going to try out
But my mom was afraid
I might lose a hand
She’s not very progressive.

He’s really good with kids
And he can write a very convincing
Letter of recommendation
He may fly the Jolly Roger
And carry infectious diseases
But I’d take him over
Some guy in a suit any day
After all what’s more progressive than a pirate.

*******EDIT*******

So Friday Got Cancelled. I might be doing some stuff at the same place on April 15th. I will keep everyone informed. And by everyone I mean J.W. Harding.

******* END EDIT ******

Come out and see me read some poetry on Friday in Super South Overland Park.

Come on it's not that far to drive. It's only 149th and Metcalf. That's just a few blocks past the end of the world. It will be fun.

I am doing a bunch of poems. The coffee house is called MyJava and is on the west side of the street next to a Pizza place. Call me if you need more directions.

Thanks for putting up with my shameless self promotion.

1 - It's a Mango

2 - A Mango?

1 - Yes.

2 - I don't think I've ever seen a Mango before

1 - I'm pretty sure you have.

2 - I think I would remember seeing a Mango.

1 - You may have mistaken it for another melon.

2 - Wait a Mango is not a Melon

1 - It most certainly is

2 - Your thinking of Cantelope

1 - No I'm not

2 - A Cantelope is most certainly a Melon

1 - As is a Mango

2 - I'm pretty sure Mango's grow on trees

1 - Melons can grow on trees

2 - Vines. melons grow on vines.

1 - How would you know? You seem to think that you have never seen a Mango prior to this very moment, and now all of the sudden you are some kind of Mango expert.

2 - I took botnay in college.

1 - It must have been a pretty crappy botnay class to not show any slides of Mangos

2 - I saw slides of Mango Trees, they just weren't in full Mango bloom at the time.

1 - Trees don't bloom fruit.

2 - Then what is it called

1 - You tell me, you're the one with Doctorate in Trees

2 - I say it's called blooming

1 - And I say your a blooming idiot.

(Pause)

2 - It's a nice looking fruit

1 - Sexy

2 - I wouldn't go that far

1 - I'm just saying it's very vuluptous

2 - See I'm not in to that

1 - You like skinny fruit

2 - Not skinny but not vuluptous

1 - A bannana?

2 - Too phalic

1 - Agreed.

2- I'm not knocking the mango, I'd just rather have a plum or a peach or tangello

1 - Those are all too round and perfect

2 - You lik'em oblong and vuluptous

1 - More asymetrical than oblong.

2 - Curvy?

1 - Curvy is good.

2 - Pears?

1 - That is what I dream of at night.

2 - You are a sick Man

(Pause)

Hey Everyone who reads this: Come check out some of my poems and sketch comedy preformed live in Downtown KCK at the Art Walk. We are on the stage in front of the libary from 4-7 bringing the good old fashioned funny.