"If the sexual fantasies of the average person were exposed to view, the world would be horrified." Leo Tolstoy
I had a nightmare last night. Some people call them dreams, or fantasies, I find the most nightmarish dreams of all. My Dream is of my wedding night with my amazing fiancé. But sometimes my unconscious haunts my closed eyes with false desires. Not that I feel responsible for my actions in dreams or for their content, it's just they always seem to catch me off guard. I have seen far too much of the darkest side of human sexuality to claim no responsibility. By choice I exposed myself to the images of these nightmares. It hurts me so much to know that. I hate it. I know that I am not alone though. This timeless Tolstoy quote keeps me from feeling ostracized and alone. My accountability brothers are the same way. We share in our broken lives trying to understand why we still dream of the nightmare. I know that God loves me. I know that I have so much worth as Abba's Child. I know that he just wants me to love him and live in his love. The truth is that I am still frustrated. Maybe my focus is still too much on my own failure and not my worth as the child of God. My sin is not finished. I will sin again, in reality and in my dreams, but I know that those sins are forgiven and were paid for my loving Abba. I am now free to live.