Monday, October 31, 2005

When the Grand Jury smashed the proverbial gavel of justice on the proverbial face of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby Jr. on Friday, Americans watched in astonishment as their beloved Muppet turned Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney stood indicted on 5 counts. His less well known twin sister I. Lucy “Skeeter” Libby, of Muppet Babies fame, has been silent for the entire investigation only to emerge now and grant Jiminy Glick an exclusive interview. The following is a complete transcript of this incredible interview:

JIMINY: For the record can you state your full name.

SKEETER: I. Lucy “Skeeter” Libby

JIMINY: What does the I. stand for?

SKEETER: I don’t want to talk about it.

JIMINY: Wow, that’s an unusual first name.

SKEETER: That’s not what it actually stands for; I just don’t like to talk about my real name. Just call me Skeeter.

JIMINY: I see. . . well . . . Skeeter, can you tell me what the I stands for in your brother’s name?


JIMINY: Amazing.

SKEETER: You are a Moron.

JIMINY: How long have you known the accused?

SKEETER: We are twins.

JIMINY: So awhile then?


JIMINY: As his twin, you have the ability to read his mind. Do you believe him to be guilty?

SKEETER: You don’t mess around do you? I guess I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him since he left the Muppet scene to go to Washington.

JIMINY: When was that?

SKEETER: 1990. He worked for the Defense department under George Bush I. Or something like that.

JIMINY: Is it true he has been trying to distance himself from everything Muppet since that time?

SKEETER: Scooter was never really one of us. He was always thought he was better than the rest of us . . .

JIMINY: Even Kermit?

SKEETER: Yeah I guess. I noticed it especially on the set of the Muppet Babies. He really thought he was above playing a toddler. Since I was never on The Muppet Show itself he really looked down on me.

(She lights a cigarette)

JIMINY: Perjury. Obstruction of Justice. Making False Statements to a Grad Jury. Did you see any of these tendencies toward the criminal in “I Can’t” when you two were growing up?

SKEETER: Are you serious?

JIMINY: As Cancer.

(She blows a thick cloud of smoke, licks her fingers and puts out her half smoked Camel Red with the saliva. She puts it back in the hard pack.)

SKEETER: Scooter was nerd. Glasses, clipboard, weird shaped head, the whole thing. He never was much of a dangerous kid. I think it was the whole politician thing that made him into a liar. And to quote scripture, liars burn in hell.

JIMINY: Muppet Babies has been canceled for 16 years. Have you done anything since then?

SKEETER: You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself

JIMINY: Thank you

SKEETER: I did some straight to DVD Disney stuff. I got mixed up in some films than turned out to be a little more adult if you know what I mean. The checks still cashed so I couldn’t say no. After that I pretty much gave up acting. What do you want me to say. VH1 has been calling me for a “Behind the Muppet” thing but I think I’m going to pass.

JIMINY: What is Gonzo?

SKEETER: Are you kidding?

JIMINY: Just something I’ve always wondered.

SKEETER: I’m not sure but I think he got his start in the Philippines or something.

JIMINY: I always knew he was some kind of Asian. Do you have a favorite memory from Muppet Babies?

SKEETER: You might want to work on the order of your questions. Uh I guess I would have to say that time when Ralph and I made out in Gonzo’s Closet. Yeah… I miss Ralph.

JIMINY: Fozzie Bear has been quoted as saying “Scooter Libby is fat sack of lies. Wocka, Wocka, Wocka” Can you respond to that.

SKEETER: Fozzie is hilarious. People really don’t give him enough credit. What else can I say.

JIMINY: Do you think your brother will return to the Muppet world now that he has resigned in disgrace.

SKEETER: Before or after he rots in prison?

JIMINY: After.

SKEETER: I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

JIMINY: Thank you for your time.


josh said...

hey man, thanks for the daily show/charlie rose/Vh1 paradoy. it might be one of your best paradoys yet.

Billy Brame said...

Thanks Man. I couldn't get the Martin Short character out of my head so I just decided to write it as him.

Billy's Mother said...

Worst idea you've ever had. And you've had some bad ideas.