Addicted to Almosts

So I fill my head with unthougts to relieve the pain of maybeness and uncontrollable futures. If all I have to deal with is a moment by moment forgetfulness and the idea that sleep is my most desired goal I won't have to do anything about the predicament of existence. He slowly takes away the excuses I am trying to build brick by brick like a jail cell and hurls them into the bottomless pit of omniscience. He knows that I am trying not to think about Him. He knows that I don't want to work on my soul. He knows that humility comes before change and that a proud piece of shit won't take a shower because that would be admitting defeat. So what if God beats me. I know he is right and I know I need what he is trying to give me. But then I couldn't worship myself if I let myself worship him. I just don't have that kind of time.