Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Confessions of a Birderer

I bought a bird from my mother today. See wanted to give it to me but I did the adult thing and left her money on the kitchen counter with a little note that said "Ha Ha gotcha now you have to take my money punk". So we'll see how that goes. But the importance of the bird buying is that i have a bird now. This is a whole new world for a man who has never been anything but birdless his whole life. I put him in a cage that I used to use for holding my knife collection. I decided to put my knife collection in my kitchen cabinet next to the wine rack full of transmissions. I have been calling the bird Tweedy but haven't officially written anything on his birth certificate so his name is still up in the air. (Note: Bird pun was just attempted) I am also assuming he is a boy because all things blue have a Y chromosome if you get what sizzling on the hot coals of innuendo. I don't think he likes me. But perhaps he is just sacred to live in the old knife cage. Lord knows I would think twice before sleeping on a stick that used to hold a machete. What do you feed a bird. I don't have any seed or anything. I have a few cashews but I'm afraid they are about the size of his head. But then again people eat melons all the time and they are definitely as big as an average human head. On second thought I can see why my mom wanted to get rid of this thing. All it does is stand there and glare at you. "What's the matter Tweedy? are you clinically depressed. Do you have anger issues. Did your daddy beat you when you were an egg. Huh. Huh. Stop looking at me you stupid birdbrain or I will straight kick your cage from hear to tim buck freaking too. You hear me. You hear me. What? You think that's funny. Are laughing at me. All show you who's the big bird in my house. Die Stupid Animal. Die." Sorry I just got a little carried away. So yeah. Umm. Anyone want buffalo wings for dinner? . . . I bought them at Sam's Club . . . last week. . . .I swear. It's not dead tweedy I promise.

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