Hey Everyone who reads this: Come check out some of my poems and sketch comedy preformed live in Downtown KCK at the Art Walk. We are on the stage in front of the libary from 4-7 bringing the good old fashioned funny.

The Incident

"Please Pardon my Protrusion"
Said the dolphin to the whale
"It's no bother" the other
"Won't you please excuse my tale"

Though politely whale acknowledged
That he would indeed excuse
The compunctious clumsy porpoise
That bumped his whale caboose

He wondered in his whale mind
Just how a little dolphin
Had succeeded in his swimming
To run right into his bottom

On the other hand the dolphin
Put to mind this mental morsel
How does a two-ton whale tale
Wind up upon my dorsal

With both the creatures thinking
That the other was in error
They took their separate stories
And two truths for forever.

I tripped over a penguin at Walgreen’s.
I was getting my passport photo.
So was he.
He came out of no where
Like a fart at a dinner party.

I almost smashed the little guy
But I did a faceplant into the candy instead
It was sweet.
He looked at me on the floor
Like he wanted to kill me with his stubby penguin arms

I asked him where he was headed
As he dusted off his built in tuxedo.
He acted strange.
Like no one had ever tripped over him
And then questioned his destination before.

I guessed aloud that he was going to Antarctica.
All the penguins I’ve ever met were from there.
He spat at me.
Like I had inadvertently used
Some kind of penguin racial slur.

I wiped the spittle from my face
And wondered how many people have ever tasted penguin saliva
It’s quite thick
He then started cursing the Antarctic penguin
Like a crazy with a score to settle

I heard him say he was from Tierra del Fuego
It seemed like someplace a smart ass penguin would make up
Land of Fire
Like a penguin could actually be from someplace
That was either made of or somehow on fire

I told the Walgreen’s Photo Technician
That this penguin was out of his mind
He laughed at me
And said that Tierra del Fuego is an archipelago in Argentina
Like a penguin gets a passport just to go to Argentina

I knew right then that the penguin was a liar
He was probably some kind of terrorist dirty bomber spy
It was perfect
Like a flight attendant could stop a penguin
From high jacking an airplane

I stared deep into his beady bird eyes
Wondering how I could hand cuff him due to his lack of wrists
It was useless
He was going to escape no matter what
Like a rich man on the Titanic

I stood in front of the generic photo background
And asked the WPT if I could hold the penguin in my passport photo
He said no
Like my wife is going to believe me now that
I tripped over a penguin at Walgreen’s

Gypsies and Goats

Gypsies and Goats

I like to shoot at gypsies
While I roast a fatted goat
On an open campfire
Down beside my moat
That winds around my castle
And won’t let the gypsies in
Because the lion’s share of gypsies
Never learn to swim.

If by chance a gypsy
Decides to brave the rapids
Just to lick the drippings
Off the roasting goat I’ve fatted
I take my double barrel
Gypsy shooting rifle
And fire at their gypsy head
Missing by a mile

See I’d never kill a gypsy
If it came right down to killing
I shoot at them for sport
And it never costs a shilling
All I have to do is
Roast a goat out on the fire
Then gypsies will come running
From over on the Shire

So my castles free of gypsies
But my moat is full of bullets
And every day and night I feast
On roasted fat goat cutlets
I live the life that others dream
But never can achieve
Sitting in my castle
Shooting at gypsies

I Pushed a giraffe down the stiars.
He had it coming.
The wily way he walked.
So smug it made me sick.
Taking three steps at a time.
Who does that?
He rolled over the railing
And into the parking lot.
Like a sack of potatoes
Except with legs and a neck.
The libraian called 911.
So I karate chopped her cell phone
And told her I had a harpoon.
(I pretty much always carry a harpoon.)
When the police man showed up
He kept asking me why I pushed him
Like it wasn't obvious.
He tried to handcuff me
But I have such small hands
It was useless.
I took his billy club
And threw it in the fountain.
I wished that all giraffes
Would get put in their place.
At the trial the judge was a jerk.
And a giraffe lover.
He gave me life in prison
So I gave him the finger.
If I would have had my harpoon
That judge would have been a goner.
In jail the inmates beat me up
Like I was a punching bag
Except I would bleed alot.

It seems like for some reason
Everyone likes giraffes.
I don't see what the big deal is.

When the Grand Jury smashed the proverbial gavel of justice on the proverbial face of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby Jr. on Friday, Americans watched in astonishment as their beloved Muppet turned Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney stood indicted on 5 counts. His less well known twin sister I. Lucy “Skeeter” Libby, of Muppet Babies fame, has been silent for the entire investigation only to emerge now and grant Jiminy Glick an exclusive interview. The following is a complete transcript of this incredible interview:

JIMINY: For the record can you state your full name.

SKEETER: I. Lucy “Skeeter” Libby

JIMINY: What does the I. stand for?

SKEETER: I don’t want to talk about it.

JIMINY: Wow, that’s an unusual first name.

SKEETER: That’s not what it actually stands for; I just don’t like to talk about my real name. Just call me Skeeter.

JIMINY: I see. . . well . . . Skeeter, can you tell me what the I stands for in your brother’s name?

SKEETER: I Can’t

JIMINY: Amazing.

SKEETER: You are a Moron.

JIMINY: How long have you known the accused?

SKEETER: We are twins.

JIMINY: So awhile then?

SKEETER: Yes

JIMINY: As his twin, you have the ability to read his mind. Do you believe him to be guilty?

SKEETER: You don’t mess around do you? I guess I don’t know. I haven’t talked to him since he left the Muppet scene to go to Washington.

JIMINY: When was that?

SKEETER: 1990. He worked for the Defense department under George Bush I. Or something like that.

JIMINY: Is it true he has been trying to distance himself from everything Muppet since that time?

SKEETER: Scooter was never really one of us. He was always thought he was better than the rest of us . . .

JIMINY: Even Kermit?

SKEETER: Yeah I guess. I noticed it especially on the set of the Muppet Babies. He really thought he was above playing a toddler. Since I was never on The Muppet Show itself he really looked down on me.

(She lights a cigarette)

JIMINY: Perjury. Obstruction of Justice. Making False Statements to a Grad Jury. Did you see any of these tendencies toward the criminal in “I Can’t” when you two were growing up?

SKEETER: Are you serious?

JIMINY: As Cancer.

(She blows a thick cloud of smoke, licks her fingers and puts out her half smoked Camel Red with the saliva. She puts it back in the hard pack.)

SKEETER: Scooter was nerd. Glasses, clipboard, weird shaped head, the whole thing. He never was much of a dangerous kid. I think it was the whole politician thing that made him into a liar. And to quote scripture, liars burn in hell.

JIMINY: Muppet Babies has been canceled for 16 years. Have you done anything since then?

SKEETER: You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself

JIMINY: Thank you

SKEETER: I did some straight to DVD Disney stuff. I got mixed up in some films than turned out to be a little more adult if you know what I mean. The checks still cashed so I couldn’t say no. After that I pretty much gave up acting. What do you want me to say. VH1 has been calling me for a “Behind the Muppet” thing but I think I’m going to pass.

JIMINY: What is Gonzo?

SKEETER: Are you kidding?

JIMINY: Just something I’ve always wondered.

SKEETER: I’m not sure but I think he got his start in the Philippines or something.

JIMINY: I always knew he was some kind of Asian. Do you have a favorite memory from Muppet Babies?

SKEETER: You might want to work on the order of your questions. Uh I guess I would have to say that time when Ralph and I made out in Gonzo’s Closet. Yeah… I miss Ralph.

JIMINY: Fozzie Bear has been quoted as saying “Scooter Libby is fat sack of lies. Wocka, Wocka, Wocka” Can you respond to that.

SKEETER: Fozzie is hilarious. People really don’t give him enough credit. What else can I say.

JIMINY: Do you think your brother will return to the Muppet world now that he has resigned in disgrace.

SKEETER: Before or after he rots in prison?

JIMINY: After.

SKEETER: I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

JIMINY: Thank you for your time.

Animal Lover

I bought a monkey with palsy from a guy on TV
And they threw in a hippo with epilepsy.
The day the two came by US Parcel Post
Was the happiest day in my lifetime, almost.

I unpacked my new friends and got them some food
And put newspaper down where the monkey went poo.
Wouldn't you know right there in the paper
Was a coupon for half off of a snake in a wheelchair.

So I logged on to redeem the exclusive web offer
And the feature this month was a donkey with cholera
I couldn’t resist his emaciated face
So I check marked the donkey along with the snake

They came the next day thanks to overnight shipping
The snakes wheels were stuck in a large donkey dripping
I was mad at Amazon for shipping them together
But they did arrive timely in spite of the weather

The snake knew the hippo and they talked about home
While the monkey called China on my cell phone
The donkey laid down by the fireplace
And continued to make uncontrollable waste

I found in my closet a pack of depends
And slipped one on to the donkeys hind end
He smiled and He Hawed and then closed his eyes
I'm glad someone loved him before he had to die

When I came back through my living room door
The hippo was thrashing around on the floor
I dove to protect the snake and the monkey
But they were both crushed like apricot chutney

I borrowed a bulldozer from a buddy of mine
And buried them all one at a time
I came back inside and turned on the TV
And cried myself to sleep watching Discovery.

Diary of a Dromedary

Dromedaries don't like camels.
They like Zydeco
And newsboy hats
They wear them on their one hump
As a sign of peace

Camels hate Dromedaries
They like yogurt
And mustached men
Like Bert Reynolds
And Steve Harvey

There is an unspoken agreement between Camels and Dromedaries
They can have yogurt and mustaches on men
And we can have newsboy hats and Zydeco
As long as they keep their extra hump to themselves
And don't flaunt it around like a loose woman

If you put a dromedary in a camels college writing class
He would shit a brick
And throw it at the teacher
Who is probably a two humped tramp
With a mustache

If you took a camel to a dromedary demolition derby
He would die of dehumping
As the demolition derby dromedaries
Rip off his pretentious protrusion
While wearing their symbolically peaceful newsboy hats

My heart breaks for my fellow beasts of burden
War is the scourge of a segregated society
Terrorism is the natural outcome of our circumstances
Violence is born out of class distinction
Racism will be the death of the desert.

My Sister is a Rhombus

My sister is a rhombus
She was adopted from Finland
They have lots of rhombuses
She eats beats
They don’t have beats in Finland
I get in trouble if I call her a rhombus
But I do it anyway
Because she is one

At dinner I don’t look at her
She might steal my soul
Finns are soul stealers
They use their eyes
My sister is 6
That is 78 in rhombus years
So hopefully she will die soon
But Finns can live a long time

In the park she plays in the sand
Digging for beats
Beats grow in sand
I take her shovel hostage
She cries to mom
I give it back
Finnish Rhombuses are cry babies
My mom likes cry babies

I tried to sell her on EBay
But no one bid
They were afraid she would steal their soul
I also tried to mail her to Finland
But their weren’t enough stamps
Mom says I should love her
And I do
It’s just that she’s a rhombus.

Boy George of the Jungle

This is the story of an effeminate fellow
Who lived in the jungle and wore neon yellow
The animals would stop and point up at him
In his yellow loincloth with its red rhinestone trim

“I am original unlike you jungle clones
With your beiges and tans and your soft neutral tones”
He said switching vines with the greatest of ease
Ignoring the taunts from the homophobic monkeys

“You boys wish you could have my movie star beauty
And could wear this loincloth like I do on my booty”
The creatures all laughed at his arrogant lisp
And went on about there jungle business

Then one day there came to the Jungle
A man by the name of Mr. O’Tungle
“This looks like the place to build me some factories
I’ll kill all these monkeys and burn down their trees”

Then out came Boy George, of the jungle that is
With his yellow loincloth and its red rhinestone friz
“Leave Mr. O’Tungle or face severe consequence”
But with George’s thick lisp it was hard to convince

The old fat O’Tungle stood there without blinking
And spit back at George, his breath mighty stinky
“What will you do to a strong man like me?
You’re just a girl with a capital G"

“Oh you think so sir so I guess you could take me
In an old fashioned duel refereed by these monkeys”
The monkeys looked on with the rest of the creatures
As the two men stared down each others features

”Well if that’s what you want than that’s what you’ll get”
He hocked up a big one and sealed the showdown with spit
And back they came at high noon on the dot
O’Tungle packing heat and George in his loincloth

“Where is your weapon you girly man fart?”
”I come just me my loincloth and heart”
A hush feel over the mixed mammal crowd
As the effeminate primate made the mean monkeys proud

They took ten paces in the hot jungle sun
George turned around and stuck up his buns
The reflection was blinding off his shiny buttocks
Knocked Mr. O’Tungle right out of his socks

The animals loved him for the great deed he had done
And next seasons fashions were filled with neon
George was a hero and went down in history
A legend, his sexual preference, a mystery