The punishment of one insensitive rich man

At 0 one hundred hours central standard time
In a house too big for its own good
And too big for a man and his butler,
A man finds himself lost,
Somewhere between the toilet and the refrigerator.

To find one’s self lost
Is neither to find nor to lose,
But simply to realize one’s position.
That position the man deduced was
Somewhere between the toilet and the refrigerator.

He had set out upon his mission at 11 hundred hours
On the night prior to the day current
To make himself a cheese sandwich.
American cheese, because he is a patriot,
As his father was a patriot and his father before him.

He digressed however to the toilet, for obvious reasons,
And after a leisurely stint
On the American Standard porcelain maiden
He flushed, washed, and saluted, because he is a patriot,
As his father was a patriot and his father before him.

Upon exiting his lavatory it was so dark that he lost his way,
And happened upon a new hallway
That led him to where he now stands a place he had never seen.
He assumed quite egotistically that he owned it
For he was a rich man and owned many things he knew not of.

The place seemed to be reminiscent of someplace else
Someplace both familiar and foreign to him
Familiar and foreign, Like his Bulgarian Butler.
The Butler is actually Russian but the man knew not the difference.
For He was a rich man and owned many things he knew not of.

“Curses to the darkness for turning me around” said the rich man
“Sending me through hallways
Disregarding my need for a sandwich.
Stopping me here in this familiar no place.
Curses”.

“Curses to God who made the darkness” said the rich man
“Who made toilet and the refrigerator,
The hallways and American Cheese,
The God who made My Bulgarian Butler.
Curses.

A sound
A step
A bop on the head

“AGGGH!” said the rich man

“I’ll show you who’s ‘Bulgarian’,
You rich American Trash!”

The Carnivore and the Vegan

It’s Midnight and I’m naked
In my basement eating bacon
When in walks a Tyrannosaurus Rex
I’m so frightened of the Lizard
That there is a bacon blizzard
On my entertainment complex

I ask him not to eat me
He comes at me rather speedy
And suddenly my couch is not so dry
I’m staring at the Dino
White as an Albino
When I notice a tear in his eye

As it turns out in fact
It wasn’t an attack
He had just bent down to pick up the bacon
He lifted it so gently
And stared at it intently
That for a second I forgot that I was naked

He said "Listen Mr. Nudist
I am a Vegan Buddhist
And I don’t think you should eat this living soul”
Then he fixed his glare on me
So disappointedly
That he made me feel like I was 3 years old

I told him I liked meat
And should be able to eat
Anything I pleased in my own basement
He said “Meat is Murder!”
With a passionate fervor
And screamed “Eat tofu as a replacement”

His Teeny T-Rex Hands
Reached in his sweat pants
And pulled out some home made brochures
He threw them on the TV
And told me to read
About his Buddhist and Vegan mentors

So I’m kind of offended
That he’d try to up end
My carnivorous lifestyle choices
But what could I do
I’m only 5’2
And he’s a freaking Tyrannosaurs

It finally hit me
He’s a dinosaur hippie
And there was no way I’m gonna get eaten
So I rolled up my sleeves
And told him to leave
Or else he could expect to get beaten.

So there’s a moral I guess
To my tale of distress
While eating bacon naked at Midnight
When they try to convert you
Who cares about virtue?
Meat will always beat plants in a fight.

George Bush, Wal-Mart and the Vatican: A Political Poem

People should stand for things
I mean really care about things
Important things
Like AIDS
I stand for that
Other People standing for things
Things like
Saving the lives of innocent children
And their things
I want all our leaders
Political, Cooperate and Spiritual
To be willing to do what it takes
To make things happen
And help things out.
And change things.

Bush could help things
He’s the president
If he stood for things
Things would work out.
So let’s all write him a letter
And tell him things like
Stand up for things.

Wal-Mart has everything
Think of all the things
They could change
If they stood for things
And gave some things
To people who don’t have anything
So let’s boycott them
And not buy our things there
Until they start
Standing for things

And the Vatican
They’ve got God
They could pray about things
And ask God to heal things
And spread the gospel
Of changing things
All over the world
So let’s tell our priest
When we’re in that confessional thing
To tell people to repent for their things
Because if we all fix our own things
We could change things
All over the world

So in conclusion
Stand up for things.